| Monday, January 31st, 2005 |
| 9:00 pm |
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| Tuesday, January 25th, 2005 |
| 1:28 am |
Help seriously just read
So its not about me anymore. My pride is out the window, across the roof tops and gone away. I need help and i'll accept anyones i need work. anything. part time/one day only/ and odd jobs, my skillz are full on computer technician but i'll take anything. I've been stubborn because of how i look at things. but right now how i see things doesn't matter. please don't leave a message telling me you wish you could help but you just cant right now. If you can't help dont worry about it but honestly i dont want to hear a sorry for me one. I'm going back to hardcore bombarding the job market tommorow i am going to go re apply at a couple of places. Everything will workout and i know that. god i know it will but right now i can't just sit back and wait for it for once. I have to mkae it happen angel is in a tight spot. all hell is breaking lose for christina. and the tower i've been standing on watching all of this from just crumbled from under me. I'm about a foot from the ground and as soon as i hit i have to be moving at full speed. I am so scared right now. I always try to avoid doing anything. Anytime i push to make a place in the world or to get up in life people around seem to get hurt. I cant stand the thought of hurt any of my friends right now. there so few of them and they're all dear to me. Christina's home life is falling to shit and i'm not sure it isn't at least some what partially my fault. I'm involved in it and was a factor one way or the other even if i was the cause of nothing and the result may have been the same even if i hadn't existed in all of it. Shes already hurt and its can get sooo much messier. I've gone back to my burn treatments. Its similar to cutters but not really dangerous. I hot box a shower i turn the hot water on i lean down into a ball and in compass myself in the heat. Then i raise my own body temperature to as high as i can get it. It doesn't hurt me but appearently anyone else thats ever touched the water i set it to burns the fuck out of themselves. The only problem is i pass out in it alot. Which is kinda dangerous in a bath tub. It usually leaves me extremely weak and very dis-oriented for a while. It used to help with my visions. I got the idea from a ritual my great grand father described to me when i was younger. He's the only other one that had visions regularly in the family. I actualy may be the first we're not sure he was blood related. Either way i'm not sure if its good or bad. i figure no harm no foul. But at the same time i know cutters who say it doesn't her but i'll be damned if one of them can say that isn't harmful. I'm alos going to try to pull something i used to do when i was growing up. I was very emotional and loving at home with family and dead fucking cold to the rest of the world. I'm thinking this time the same at home and behind the dj's booth but otherwise i need to ignore alot of things. shouldn't be hard my headphones stay on 24/7 now. i also don't expect to be at the bandit boys as ashe calls him much longer. once he gets his car fixed and i can throw a few bucks his way to help him i have a feeling i'm going to either go back to my mothers and open all out war with glen for 48 hours auntil he just gives the fuck up on me like he did to my sister or i'll find somewhere else. Either way the boy needs his own place right now. Him and ashe get so fucking cute i just want to stab them repeatedly. I'll be spending an ass load of time at bars until i get out of here. ( only place that feels like home besides here ) anyway i need a shower and to try and crash i'll be at uno for a bit tommorow visiting friends. Current Mood: And I say I'm dead and i move ( its fits so perfectly sadly )Current Music: I Surrender ( Rizzo Global mix ) - Laura Pausini |
| Sunday, January 23rd, 2005 |
| 4:42 pm |
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005 |
| 11:48 am |
not alot of time Toights the NIGHT!
ok so with the hell that was yeterday and most of the earlier week i am so not prepared which of course is leading me to my nomral panic oh holy fuck state. Which means i should do fine tonight. But it will be a mess behind that booth! Last chance to get request to make sure i have them. So i expect to see a ton of you out! Come see the amazing blackmage spin magic ^^ |
| Thursday, January 20th, 2005 |
| 7:25 am |
Quick update
My car is appearently in a spot where it will be towed. I don' have my keys and i don't know where my car is to begin with. And its not because i was drunk when i parked it or because i lost my keys like usual. Its because Angel barrowed my car and he's in Lockdown. Yep jails. So hopefully they let me ask him where my car is. I dunno what he's in for yet but you damn well know i'm going to bust my ass to get him out. oh on side note my phone works but i have no ones numbers. So call me Everyone. |
| Tuesday, January 18th, 2005 |
| 3:58 pm |
MAD WORLD!!!!
Ok So we have determined it is the bipolar manic depressive new year. Things are either super or complete crap. The Super Stuff. I'm a DJ WOOT!!!! I will be DJing this friday night at the dervish starting around 1:30ish i have to split the night with some 80s guy. I dunno not worried about Rudy does a solid set people will be warmed up when i get on. And i have the phone from the christina so all i have to do is activate it. Tell everyone you know drag all kinds of people out get your ass out there. You will all be able to tell the minute i get up there. *GRIN* BAd NEWS I got into a full on scream your ass off super drama battle royal with my step-father. ( I never yell at anyone ) He disconnected the internet on me and my mother without telling us. I spent like 4 hours trying to fix it so i was already pist off. My mother had to sit me down call my father and have him talk me down. ( my mother and father don't talk to each other anymore ever ) So i'm kinda staying with Angel for a while Secondly Angels car has started acting up. I need to change the belts on it. Mainly i think its the timing Belt which guess what. Its probally one of the longer things to take and fix. So i suspect i will be spending all day underhood tommorow while he's at work. Which means i may have to deal with Heather ugh. I dunno why but she like doesn't even talk to me its not like i skipped out on rent or anything. I need to see if i can barrow my dads tools since i can't use glens sigh. I have to go home to get mine probally.but i dont even know if i have enough. it probally only takes three or four tools its just having them. but this will take me 2 days to fix maybe a little longer. I miss having my dad around nowadays. Between me and him we can fix anything. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mischiefmydear brin you're cds to angels you want me to have tracks off of. I'm checking out the bands you recommended. The indie rock ones are interesting and good for home but i haven't found a song i want to play yet. Oh and more request dammit. That means you Circle people. Robert i have one skinny puppy song right now from the underworld soundtrack if you want to hear something fucking as before friday !!! sexybowie_freak There will be Bowie oh yes and what BOWIE THERE WILL BE!!! My Circle peoples i miss thee i shall come visit. Until then Come to the dervish fuckers! Come on even the Ninjew said he be there. ( we loves you jake ). So The DJ gig is a popularity thing its based on number of people who show up and bar sales as to weather or not i'm perminant. I will be changing satyles alot through the night. I will probally do things in 4 - 6 song sets. then change it up a bit. But it will all sink together well. I just know there is alot of different groups who show up and i want everyone on the dance floor. |
| Monday, January 10th, 2005 |
| 7:23 pm |
DJ Blackmage
SO i'm reallying trying to do it this time. I have my cd made. I'm going to give it to Mhatt Von wed. and i expect that one of two open nights ( thursday & friday ) I should be able to get. I really just want to dj at the dervish i don't want to do several clubs and all kinda of crap like that. Maybe 735 or Some place that's willing to let me go ape shit Dance, Pop, "Oz"ish type electronica and 90's drag queen songs. So here's the playlist for the Cd for mahtt thinking about maybe making another one to show him more of my selection. 1.Never Let Me Down Again - Depeche mode 2.Missionary man - Eurythmics 3.Send Me An Angel - Zeromancer 4.Transylvanian Concubine - Rasputina & Marilyn Manson 5.Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order 6.Relax - Powerman 5000 7.She's Lost Control - Joy Division 8.Tesko Suicide - Sneaker Pimps 9.Kiss - Prince 10.Golden Years - David Bowie 11.West End Girl - Petshop Boys 12.I Give To You - Nitzer Ebb 13.Deep - Nine Inch Nails 14.Nemesis - theSTART 15.A Daisy Chain 4 Satan - Thrill Kill Kult 16.Kick It - Peaches(Feat Iggy Pop) 17.Everybody Wants You- Billy Squire 18.Just What I Needed - The Cars What do you people think. I'm trying to stay away from being an 80 or an electronic dj. I want something very unique i don't want to be compared to connor or u-gene or edwin. I might be compared to mark since i don't stay to one damn style all night but otherwise no not really him either. Now here is the other thing. I dont want a million request i dont have. And since i need to bulk up my collection of songs. Give me an artist or specific songs I am open to suggestion, Even if you think i'll never play it. No one has any real solid way to expect me to stick to a style since none of you in louisiana have heard me DJ. Alright Angel is cleaning which requires me to help for some reason i dont know why probally because i help cause the destruction and chaos in this place. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: Tesko Suicide - Sneaker Pimps |
| Thursday, January 6th, 2005 |
| 2:31 pm |
I'm Gonna Sing the DOOM song
 You are G.I.R. You are completely insane, or hyper. You are the darling of Invader Zim's life, even thouh you get bossed around a lot. it's not like you notice; you are too busy dancing or eating or watching TV. You are funny without meaning to be, because of your pure craziness. Sing the Doom Song. Which Jhonen Vasquez creation are you? brought to you by Quizilla |
| Sunday, December 26th, 2004 |
| 5:43 am |
Merry Fucking Christmas
So as usual christmas sucked ass. I went to my step-mothers side of the families for dinner. i hadn't seen most of them in over a year so it was kinda nice. Hate my step-mother love the rest of the family though. Wreck my car on the way to the dervish. I love how i never get into a wreck drunk its always before i get drunk. I was going down the tchoup exit ( ha cop out on spelling it ) an it was solid ice on the way down two cars were in an accident in front of me. the second cars front end was ruined and crush and i don't think the driver would have survived if i hit him. I was gaining speed while sliding. So i slammed myself into the wall and scrapped sideways. I still hit the second car but only lightly. my front end cosmetics are fucked. But it appears to be driveable i ripped a chunk of my bumper off so i could drive it down to the dervish. Its parked i think angel will follow me home tommorow so i can get my car home safely. I'll have my mechanic look at it. to make things better Jennifer showed up at the dervish. Um kinda an ex-fling. I went off on one of my I hate every tangents and she caught the brunt of it. I still feel like complete shit about it and she's not talking to me. We talked about it and i apologized in november. ( happend in like august ) which saddend me because i really wanted to talk for even a minute tonight. But i never get what i wanted for christmas. Talking to her would have made today perfect no matter what happend. She waved to me like 4 times so i suppose its a step in the right direction. Hai told me he's going to be able to pay me back a little bit on the laptop. Its the only good thing about today. Hai's been good at that. He may not be paying me back regular but everytime i really need it he's there saving my ass. so this is my second christmas with my steel spine and it hurts far worst then last yr. I'm listening to regret from new order and all i can think of is christina. Which she's all i can think about alot of the time. I need to move on and i'm trying but shes just the most wonderful part of my life right now. Its someone who makes me feel at home no matter where i am. And home is a place i lost many years ago. I haven't been "home" in 3 or 4 yrs. Ever since my parents sold our house on 2nd Ave. Me and the Grinch have alot in common so much room for love of this holiday and so much greatness. But it just never turns out good for us. I need something to bring this around. Ofcourse it doesn't help that i try not to celebrate chistmas i wouldn't if it wasn't for my family rasing seventy layers of hell when i dodge it. Maybe if i make it to china i'll get out of it. Normally i underline important lyrics but all of the lines to this apply to me an my life the only to lines that are specific to me are. I know you tried to recuse me. I am tainted. please take this and run far away far away from me. but everything else is just as relevant to me. ( And All That Could Have Been ) Current Mood: Done With It AllCurrent Music: And All That Could Have Been -NIN |
| Thursday, December 23rd, 2004 |
| 1:16 am |
What Will Tashi_v2 Get ?
| Xmas pressie predictor | | Big wooly jumper knitted by | sailorclef | | Pair of Socks from | mark27 | | Bottle of Whiskey from | ryuseisui | | Cd from | angelicdmize | | Something Cuddly from | boygoth | | Something Intoxicating from | killswitch_itch | | Something Silly from | fairygirl6913 | | Something Funny from | inthemeadow | | Lump of coal from | theredpanther | | Something Pretty from | halooverhorns | | Something Shiny from | teh_los3r | | Something Naughty from | mistique_drake | | Something Smelly from | mischiefmydear | | Something Breakable from | kenmastersx | | Something Useful from | xianvox | | Something not useful from | concertchicklsu | | The Black and Decker Tool Kit from | starian2003 | | Livejournal account from | piratemiisha | | The Make-up Bag from | shellshocknola | | Stack of DVDs from | teh_los3r | | Something Geeky from | sailorclef |
this is perfect in so many ways i'll make a comment in a second on it. Current Music: Sneaker Pimps -Post Modern Sleaze |
| Thursday, December 16th, 2004 |
| 11:58 am |
so today kinda sux
I'm stuck at my sisters work she was sick and i need the money. I'm trying to rebuild my cash for supplies. I'm really happy with my geek life right now but terribly unhappy with the rest of it. I need to change my perspective on the club scene. So i'm going to buy a large pack of cd-r disk rebuild my music supply make a few mix cd's and drop them off at a few different clubs in the area try to build some hype and get a dj position. I love still dancing and partying but i need a new form of attention. I'm lonely in my love life. I haven't had a girlfriend who i was really with in over a year. Christina has made that a little better because i have a close female friend but i just give up she has a boy and even if they are doomed its gonna be a while and i can't take that. My money problems just get worse and worse and i'm not finding work before new years. I need to get my ticket to the new years rave still. my family is leaving for christmas. I'm gonna have the house to myself. Which probally means i'm going to curl up into a ball and hide. I hate being alone it scares the shit out of me. Its the one fear that i just have so much trouble facing. I think thats the real problem i'm back to feeling like i'm by myself. And i know theres people out there with me and friends who care some who dearly love me. I'm just i dunno I need things to change its make or break time. I'l figure out something. Current Music: sneaker pimps |
| 9:37 am |
They're are so many wonderfull ppl on my friends list ( about 6 ppl )
If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, eat them until they scream, then fuck them until both of you are sensless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about 5 minutes, and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal. ( hell i've already told a dear friend "I've never wanted to drug and rape you so bad in my life" so this is relativly mild to what i've said before.){by the way of those who dont know me very closely i would never its just my habit of saying terrible things} |
| Tuesday, December 14th, 2004 |
| 8:27 am |
Super Geek Permenantly Leet
So i am in ultra geek mode. I just install Fedora Linux its redhats still free version. I'm terribly pist off with the interface it looks like windows. while i can understand the need for this to make life easier on the average smuck i want my interface to look pretty not just be functional. So i'll be changing things soon. They've changed something since redhat 9 that i didn't expect. The install other then one or two parts was like windows practically. Next time doing command line install just for fun. I'm so happy not to be on a windows machince *glee* my mothers machine maybe up to par to run FFXI if it is i may take windows off my other computer or just give it a very small partition just big enough for windows and FFXI ( Final Fantasy 11 Online ) since it truly is one of the only reasons i need a windows machine. oo Maybe it will run on Wine ( windows emulator ) HEHE oh this is so much fun. So i'm lacking a second monitor at this time. But i have an ATI all-in-wonder pro from a few yrs back in here ( still a very nice video card ) so i'm going to jack it into my vcr since my tv doesnt have A/V support. And jack my Playstation2 into my comp. Oh the things i can do. So many options. Now all i need is a Mac and maybe a machine running solaris around here. Oh i need a something running openBSD i need to toy with that and learn some yes yes. Ths code monkey has a risen from his slumber and i'm back t hiding in my caves the only that shall bring me out is alcohol!!! Or christina but we've yet to hang out and there not be alcohol so yeah ALCOHOL!! this occasion calls for a beer. And they have coding tools to help me work on my site this will plz me so. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!! that happens to me sometimes. And windowing. If you use mozilla or firefox its same theory just its with your desktop. in the corner there are 4 squares. each one is a different desktop. so if you're writing in lj on one you can hop over to the other open a graphics editor work on it in there have one your instant messages the freedom the space. This is almost as good as decent sex ( it is definetly better then bad sex ) i'm going to play this is fun. WAAHHOOOOO
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: New Order - Regret |
| Saturday, December 11th, 2004 |
| 4:12 am |
Clarity
ao i first owe an apology to carrie, sara, and melissa. Carriue for trying to explain what ove was even thoug she couldn't sho it. Melissa for being able to show it but not handle it. and Sara for just being Sara ( unexplainable just leave it alone ).Carrie explained to me that i wasn't just her lover i was her best friend before all that. This confused me since i never saw her as a friend i saw her as a runaway i was saving then as someone i couldn't see being without.after leaving cali from missing my mother ( hey i'm a mamas boy and i wasnt even 18) i saw that i could live without her. tonight Chrstina and I had our night. We've had nights together before we've dealt without angel super vision. But tonight was a nine inch nails night. I danced like nothing else, tommorow you won't hear from me i will be in pain. But dancxing with her and talking with her i understand what carrie ment. And well i'm sorry noiw icuz i know how much it must have hurt her for what i did because i ffel how it hurts me. I love christina no matter if she becomes single or marries the stupid fuck she's with ( tha'd not me being bias he really is an ass ask angel ) I'll still want to be with her. we danced to repilte a song she considers the sexiest on thew album a song tha caused me hallucinations of pistons thx to carrie. tonight made me relize so many things. one i dont care what christina does she has a place in my heart and i can't block her out of it. Two i understand why melis is a permenant part of my life now and i want to keep it that way she;'ll always be one of my bestfriends and greatest loves. Three I'm an alcoholic and if you can't love that part pf me then you probally dont have a long term roll in my life. |
| Tuesday, December 7th, 2004 |
| 8:43 pm |
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| 8:18 am |
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| 8:10 am |
The Universe 3 - Westly 2
So the world has beaten me again. This time its a big loss and something thats definetly going to hurt me for a while. I lost my history book and couldn't find it. I wasn't able to study and the final is in 4 hours. guess what test i'm not taking. but it goes father back then that. Monday planned all day study day. stayed up until 5 am sunday night planned to sleep till 10 am get up and start studying my ass off. 7:20 monday morning my sister calls me to tell me shes sick and i have to go cover for her at work until noon so she can recover. ( it was her birthday so i did ) 1:15 my sister finally shows the fuck up. 2:00 i get home someone has eaten the slice of pizza i had been craving all damn day. 2:15 I pass out from hunger, exhaustion, and ammonia recovery. ( its a reprographic office they uase ammonia to make blue lines they swear its safe but i pass out everytime i leave ) 4:00 my mother wakes me up and informs me i'm baby-sitting my nephew so her, my sis, and my maw maw can go gamble at boomtown. 4:05 i pass back out ( note i still have not been able to get any kind of real rest ) 5:50 my mother wakes me up to go baby sit 20 minutes later then i asked her to. I now can't find my world history book and don't have time to look for it. 6:00 get to grand mothers begin drinking immeadiatly. 6:30 nephew arrives they leave and i give him half a beer. 7:00 alcohol kicks in for both of us child is an angel all night. 11:00 mother comes and meets me at maw maw 11:35 we drive home. I begin to tear my room apart she goes to sleep so i can't make any fucking noise limiting my ability to look. 12:00 i figure its at angels and head over. Guess what not here. I get pist off leave go home and go to sleep wake up at 6 am with some rest finaly. Tear my room to complete shit the book is not there. Go check angels car its not there. triple check my car. I surrender i go to angels. I've discovered the whole apartment has been cleaned and rearranged. Bless him the boy deserves a better friend then me. He moved cleaned a reorganized everything trying to find my damn book. My theory is the universe swallowed it in an attempt to beat me down. However i'm taking the loss in stride. I'm going to get my computer certifications instead of returning to class next semester. that way i can get a 1337 job and start making some serious dough. After i accomplish this which i should have something good before next august. I'm returning to school. And i'm not fucking stopping until the is a goddamn Dr. infront of my fucking name. I don't care if it takes until i'm 50. If i have to take 2 steps back then i hop on in a car and drive six miles forward. I've already started training again i'm getting back into physical shape. I'm working on my mind and concentration i'm trying to start Tai Chi and i'm not far from a decent job again. Things are going well the way i want them to i just lost a battle i had a good chance of winning. Either way, Mind,body, soul, and soon i will have a home again soo all will be complete. Now i'm going to go research the MCSE, A+ ( though i think its bullshit ), Cisco, RHCE (RedHat Cert. Eng. ), and some fun languages like python and .asp. Current Mood: determinedCurrent Music: The sound of pistons ( ask me if you dont know ) |
| Sunday, December 5th, 2004 |
| 10:55 pm |
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| 1:05 pm |
Sometimes my mouth runs faster then my mind
So appearently in my alcoholism i have been making some rather rude comments. I'm like blackmage i have a habit of saying things at all the absolutte worst moment and i really dont have a little voice to tell me when i say something royaly fucked up. My comment to seale last night ws meant as a compliment but it came out terribly terribly wrong. there is appearently a lemmings comment that i still refuse to belive because i never use the word lemming and i'm not really familiar with what it means. I know it was like a game angel explained to me what it means now but i wouldn't have known enough to say use it in a sentence when i did. But just because i don't beleive it doesn't mean it didn't happen. So basically this is a warning to all of you. If i say something terribly wrong or terribly stupid its usually me trying to be witty or goofy and the train jumps the track at the last second and i think of the last thing i should say instead of the best thing to say. So if i hurt anyones feelings i'm sorry its not hard to get an honest apology out of me i just usually dont realize what i've said or done. The little voice inside of my head doesn't really work to tell me whats wrong and right. Actually Angel is my only real voice of reason most of the time. Think about that for a second. My voice of reason is Angel. So yeah one i normally dont mean things the way they comeout and two i need to stop drinking hard stuff all together. ( i was drinking rum yesterday again hmm i'm noticing a trend ) so yeah sorry people. If ya can't deal with it then well ya can't but you should all know i mean know harm. Current Mood: feel like an ass |
| Saturday, December 4th, 2004 |
| 7:31 pm |
Change of pace
Well its finally happening. I'm running out of go-go. The party boy can only go so long. i need to change scene's and meet some new people. Dont get me wrong i love the people at the dervish. But quite frankly there is no one there for me. I want to get back into dating and i'm tired of 27 to 32 yr olds. I've had my play time and though they know their shit i'm just no connecting with them how i want to. I want to get back into one of those "relationship" thingies. So i'm probally head back to old hang outs. Cypress, Zepplins, places like that. ( it'll probally take me 2 trips to figure out why i stopped going there.) Start scoping out the younger girls ya know 17-21. I know dating a 17 or 18 yr old is just going to end in horror but its experience ya know. The problem is none of them have lived on their own or if they did it hasn't been for long. So what i think is important and what they worry about are two totally different scales. Ya know i'm going to be paying for getting out on my own at 16 for the next 5 fucking yrs. Anyway point being i dont think i'll be out at the dervish as regularly as i have been. i may still show up later in the evening since the other shit ends ass early ( like 11 or 12 ). I just need a new enviroment. Some fresh faces ya know. |
